Notice: All forms on this website are temporarily down for maintenance. You will not be able to complete a form to request information or a resource. We apologize for any inconvenience and will reactivate the forms as soon as possible.

Bang Your … Skate?

SkatingWiththeStars.jpgOnce upon a time, the path to becoming a rock god was simple and clear: Grow your hair out. Raise your fist at everything polite society values. Maybe bite the head off a bird. Testify in Congress regarding your right to spew vile lyrics. Or just spew blood and fire from your mouth. A gaggle of groupies always helps, too, when it comes to cementing one’s reputation as a rocker worthy of the name. As does saluting Satan in one’s song lyrics.

But that was then. The 1970s. The 1980s.

Today, things are much more complicated—especially for the aging former rock elite struggling to cling to some shred of cultural relevance … or merely recognition. Today, outlandishly bad behavior alone simply will not get the job done. At least, not for the long haul.

No, these days something else seems increasingly important: Reality TV.

I was watching ABC last week when an ad came on for the network’s latest reality competition: Skating With the Stars, a spin-off, of course, of the dancing version of the show. I was only half paying attention to the first season’s slate of contestants until they got near the end of the list. Actress Sean Young … skier Jonny Mosely … Real Housewives of New York City bad girl Bethany Frankel … Mötley Crüe frontman Vince Neil … actor Bryan Mychal Smith …

Wait a minute—Vince Neil? Skating? Really? Vince Neil! SKATING!?

I grew up in the ’80s. And if in 1985 you’d have told me that the glammed-out, drugged-out, bleached-out dervish fronting a band infamous for its reckless hedonism and songs offering a shout at the devil would one day star on a show teaching celebs how to figure skate, well, I’d have said you were out of your mind.

But here we are.

It’s all Ozzy’s fault, of course.

If Vince needs to defend himself, all his he has to do is point a finger at the once feared, now mostly chuckled at former frontman of Black Sabbath, Ozzy Osbourne.

In 2002, Mr. Osbourne and his family launched what would become a trend—rockers trading stages for reality TV. MTV’s groundbreaking and popular show The Osbournes followed Ozzy and his family around with cameras, and viewers learned that Ozzy mostly shuffled about his home and babbled incoherently complaints much of the time … when his salty language wasn’t being bleeped, that is.

With Ozzy blazing a new trail, other rockers—lots of them—soon followed. Bret Michaels, frontman for Poison, went looking for love on VH1’s multiyear reality series Rock of Love. And then there’s Kiss bassist and singer Gene Simmons, whose show Gene Simmons Family Jewels has been airing on A&E for five years. After much hullabaloo, Fox recently confirmed that Aerosmith singer Steven Tyler would be joining the judges’ table on American Idol next season. Even Twisted Sister’s blond-tressed leader Dee Snider got in the act earlier this year with a show featuring his family, Growing Up Twisted (also on A&E).

And now, apparently, Vince Neil has decided he’d rather go skating on TV than do his song and dance with  Dr. Feelgood. As Ted, of Bill & Ted’s Excellent Adventure, might say, “Strange things are afoot at the Circle K.” Or in the words of King Theoden from the Lord of the Rings: The Two Towers: “How did it come to this?”

Indeed, how did reality TV become the refuge of A-list rock rebels from decades past? I think this unlikely trend says a lot about our culture of celebrity … and what celebrities on the brink of irrelevance feel they need to do to stay visible. These days, if you want to stay viable, reality TV offers a huge boost when it comes to reminding old fans and new ones that, in the words of Monty Python, “I’m not dead yet.”

In a recent Billboard article, Brett Michaels had nothing but good things to say about how the six VH1 shows he’s appeared on have reignited his career. “Without a doubt, you massively broaden your audience,” he said. “I’ve gone from two generations of Poison fans to having four generations of fans.”

Sharon Osbourne, Ozzy’s wife and longtime manager (as well as a judge on NBC’s reality show America’s Got Talent), concurred. “It’s become a shortcut to fame,” she said. “There’s no more struggling and banging on people’s doors and begging to be heard and taking your demo around pleading for an appointment with an A&R guy. Those days are gone. It’s the world now of TV and the Internet.”

These days, then, it seems the game more and more musicians feel compelled to play is a career version of Survivor.

I suppose it’s only a matter of time before Axl Rose shows up. I’d love to see what kind of skating skills he has.