I’m not sure if it’s been caused by the overabundance of hormones in their McDonald’s burgers, the excessive sugar in their school cafeteria soft drinks or the invasive radiation constantly emanating from their cell phones, but tween and teen girls have truly gone jump-the-shark wiggie.
And it all seems to somehow be connected to this Justin Bieber kid.
You may have heard about the 5,000 fans that went all Cujo on each other before a Bieber concert in Sydney, Australia—crushing one another and sending eight of their number to the hospital. That’s pretty nutty, but ancient news. But there’s more. Just this past weekend, it seems the emo-haired teen ran into the 29-year-old reality TV temptress Kim Kardashian. After a hug and a couple pictures together, the two immediately ran off to opposing corners to tweet all about it.
“I officially have Bieber Fever!!!” Kardashian proclaimed.
Bieber then posted a photo of himself and Kim, writing, “Look its my girlfriend”
Uh oh. That’s when the Twittering death threats began. That’s what I said, death threats.
“I’m getting death threats,” Kim tweeted to Justin on Tuesday night. “This is unBeliebable!!!”
Now I’m not sure whether the gasping Kardashian was trying for some kind of Bieber pun with that “unBeliebable!!!” or whether the stress jarred her grammar into some strange, Loony Toons-style netherworld, but obviously the fan uprising was quite a shock.
“ladies calm down. @kimkardashian is a friend,” the Biebs tweeted on Wednesday. “A very sexy friend but a friend. no need 4 threats. Let’s all be friends and hang out often”
Now, my first reaction to Bieber’s statement is, “Oh yeah, that’s smart, kid. Calm the raging pubescent stalkers with mentions of how ‘sexy’ their arch nemesis is.” And right on the heels of that, my second thought is, “A very sexy friend?” Ewww. This kid is what, 12 or something? I’ve got socks older than him. Where is his mother? Why isn’t she grounding him at this very moment? And do all those girls’ mothers have a clue what their precious little Lizzie Bordens are up to?
And my final overblown thought is, “Arrgh!!!” (You saw that right, my Twitterers, three exclamation points.)
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