As Super Bowl XLV steamrolled along, the hard-fought battle on TV’s biggest stage seemed to grow in intensity. With so much at stake, each competitor jockeyed for position. Who would win the day? We saw a stark contrast in styles. And I’m not referring to the Packers and Steelers; I’m talking about Coke and Pepsi. Here’s a recap of the big plays:
1st Quarter: Pepsi: Can Thrower — An African-American couple spars over the man’s eating habits until he finally indulges in a treat she can’t harass him about: a can of zero-cal Pepsi Max. But no sooner is he out of the woods than he flirts with a cute blond jogger. His girlfriend hurls her can of soda in his direction. He ducks, and it nails the jogger in the head, sending her to the pavement. The couple scatters, less concerned about the woman’s condition than whether they might be liable for her concussion. UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Pepsi fumbles.
Pepsi: Shooting Cooler — In this bullied-nerd revenge fantasy, an arrogant jerk teases an outcast by merely pretending to offer him a Pepsi Max. But a suave stranger saves the day with a cooler that launches cans of soda to all who are tired, thirsty and oppressed. The bespectacled everyman then uses the device to fire cans of pop at the bully’s groin and head, knocking him out. While the swaggering moron in this spot is more deserving of a Pepsi KO than the jogger in “Can Thrower,” we get yet another mean-spirited attack. UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Pepsi comes up short of the goal.
2nd Quarter: Coca Cola: Dragon — In a snowy, mountainous region of some Tolkien-esque fantasy world, a race of furry creatures watches a marauding army advance on its walled fortress. The bad guys’ secret weapon is a fire-breathing dragon, which melts an ornate peace offering—an ice sculpture containing a bottle of Coke. The dragon drinks it and can breathe nothing but fireworks. This rattles the invaders, forcing a retreat. Meanwhile, the peace-loving, Coke-sipping furballs enjoy an icy cold beverage as they watch the enemy flee. Coke saves the day, no violence required. UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Coke scores.
3rd Quarter: Coca Cola: Border Crossing — Rival border guards on opposite sides of “the line” march dutifully back and forth in the desert heat, cutlasses at the ready should anyone violate the boundary. One soldier pops open a bottle of Coke. He notices his counterpart’s longing stare and shows him refreshing compassion, setting down the bottle and redrawing the line so as to preserve the other man’s dignity. Then it’s back to work, but with a new appreciation for one another’s humanity. UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Coke’s two-point conversion is good!
4th Quarter: Pepsi: First Date — Unassuming at the start, this spot about a young couple on a dinner date lets us hear their thoughts. The woman wonders how much money he makes, if he loves his mother, wants kids, etc. He simply repeats “I want to sleep with her” over and over until a Pepsi Max arrives and derails his one-track mind. But by then the damage was done, both for his date and for families blindsided by this irresponsible spot. My 9-year-old son wanted to know what the guy meant by “I want to sleep with her.” No doubt other families were caught equally unprepared. UPON FURTHER REVIEW: Pepsi is waaaaay out of bounds.
So there you have it. Five commercials. Two corporate giants. Each peddles a liquid blend of carbonated water, high-fructose corn syrup, caramel color, phosphoric acid and caffeine. But what are they really selling to the 111 million Americans who tuned in for the big game?
In a world that has grown increasingly cynical, crass and uncivil, the folks at Coca-Cola seem to believe that kindness, generosity and the nonviolent preservation of dignity are noble virtues. Pepsi, on the other hand, spent more than $9 million to showcase hostile, mean-spirited, socially impaired people who, apparently, learned how to behave by watching endless hours of Seinfeld.
We don’t hear much talk about the “cola wars” these days. But make no mistake, Coke and Pepsi continue to slug it out for supremacy just as they did in the 1980s. Do you have a favorite brand? Did this year’s Super Bowl commercials impact your perception of these rivals? I know of at least one die-hard Pepsi drinker who, after getting sacked by “First Date,” is changing sides. And she’s serious about it. Which is sort of like a lifelong Steelers fan trading in his Terrible Towel for a foam Cheesehead.
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