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The Vault is Finally Empty

 You may have heard this rumored, but the pieces are falling into place (ba-dump-chuck) for a live-action … Tetris movie. You heard that right, Tetris. Threshold Entertainment and the Tetris Company have announced that they’ve come up with an incredible script that will help transform the classic ’80s video game into box office gold.

“It’s a very big, epic sci-fi movie,” Threshold’s CEO Larry Kasanoff told The Wall Street Journal. “This isn’t a movie with a bunch of lines running around the page. We’re not giving feet to the geometric shapes.”

Well, thank goodness for that. How ridiculous would that be?

No, wait, how ridiculous is this whole idea? I mean, I understand the concept of exhaustively mining any inspiration you can from the likes of ancient mediocre TV shows (21 Jump Street, The A-Team, The Smurfs) and popular video games (Mortal Kombat, Prince of Persia, Resident Evil, Need for Speed, etc, etc.). After all, if you’re gonna spend a hundred gazillion dollars on creating the next box office blockbuster, then you’d better have something big to pull in the audience. Something other than gigantic headache-inducing 3-D images and sound loud enough to set ears to bleeding in the next county over, that is. But Tetris?

OK, I didn’t want to give this away, but it’s become rather obvious at this point: They’re plumb out of ideas out there in movieland. Not many people know this, but I heard from a reliable source that Hollywood’s venerated vault of creative ideas has pretty much been picked clean. You knew about that vault, right? Oh yeah, it was packed with bold script concepts and inventive snippets of dialogue way back in the 1940’s when Hollywood had these people they used to call “screenwriters.”

I was starting to worry that things were getting a little thin when the most the moviemakers could get excited about were things like the whisper of yet another Star Wars picture and the latest Fast & Furious sequel (what’s it up to, 25 now?), but a Tetris movie confirms my worst fears. There’s nothing left in the old vault but a thin covering of dust and the faint wisp of an unknown magical substance that used to fill West Coast sound stages. What was that called again? Oh yeah, “imagination.”

“What you [will] see in Tetris is the teeny tip of an iceberg that has intergalactic significance,” Mr. Kasanoff said.

You keep it up Kas, someone might believe. Next thing you know they’ll be announcing the upcoming movies based on Peeps marshmallow candy or Disneyland’s “It’s a Small World” ride.

Ooops. That’s right, they announced those pics this past April.